


Wide Eyed

by shotforthesky



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Good Parent Maryse Lightwood, M/M, alec isnt okay, almost panic attack, and neither am i, following the last malec scene of 2x18
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-02
Updated: 2017-08-02
Packaged: 2018-12-10 00:54:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,049
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11680623
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shotforthesky/pseuds/shotforthesky
Summary: Alec is left to deal with the aftermath of his last conversation with Magnus.*Immediately after the last malec scene in 2x18*





	Wide Eyed

**Author's Note:**

> This is what I do after watching the 2x18 malec scenes over and over again and what happens after I buy the song from their first time  
> Title is inspired by "Wide Eyed" by Billy Lockett  
> This is my first fanfic on AO3 and for this fandom so  
> All mistakes are mine and I own nothing

_How long will I fly out until I listen?_

_Truth is I'm used to making it up on my own._

_How long will I climb out?_

_I never listen. I'm in remission._

~~~~

_"I can't have both."_

Alec's heart shattered. He couldn't believe what was happening, what he had caused. He watched Magnus walk away, his hands frozen in front of him from where they had held Magnus'.

"Fuck," he breathed, tears welling in his eyes as he let out a deep breath.

His eyes couldn't leave Magnus' as the elevator doors started to shut. When Magnus disappeared from his view, Alec felt his legs start to tremble underneath him.

"Oh, god," he whispered, feeling sick.

_Did Magnus break up with him? Were they just on a break? Could he fix it?_

Alec felt his chest tighten as breathing became harder. His inhales were short and desperate, his exhales were rough and shaky. A thousand thoughts were going through his head, panic catching like a fire through his body. He could feel the tears running down his cheeks. His hand hit the wall next to him, guiding him towards the floor as he fell.

He knew he shouldn't cry. He knew he shouldn't break down like this. He knew he had to be a leader, to look at things with a brave face, to show that nothing could get to him, he was untouchable. He also knew that he couldn't hold back from the emotions tearing at his heart.

All he could think was, _God, let me have this. Let me break._

He couldn't bring his hands to touch his face. He couldn't bring his hands to wipe away the tears. Not when he could still feel Magnus' hands. He brought his right hand to slam against the wall. This was all his fault. He shouldn't have lied. He should've told Magnus as soon as he knew. He wouldn't be here if he did. If he didn't lie, Magnus wouldn't have let him go. Magnus wouldn't have gone to the Seelie Queen. Magnus wouldn't feel like he didn't have a choice, like it was either his people or Alec.

Alec wanted to scream. He knew Magnus was just being logical. He'd been there. He'd been put in a place where he had to consider the needs and survival of his people above his relationship with Magnus. Anger grew in his chest. It's not _fair._ He chose to be a leader, to protect his people no matter the costs, and this was the thanks he got. Now here he was, heart ripped out of his chest and smashed on the floor in front of him, every part of him broken.

He was supposed to be happy. They had won the battle for today. Max survived. They uncovered who Jonathan was. Jonathan didn't have the Mortal Mirror. So why did he feel like he lost everything?

"Alec," came a gasp.

Alec wanted to fold in on himself and disappear. He was supposed to be strong. He wasn't supposed to show weakness. He wasn't supposed to _cry_ in the middle of the Institute hallway.

_I can't do this._

Soft hands gripped at his arms and a person was kneeling before him. He was pulled forward into a chest as their hand came to stroke the back of his head. Everything Alec was holding back was released like an explosion. He let out a sob and held onto the person before him.

"Oh, my poor boy." Alec finally pulled away, facing the person holding him.

It was his mother. Her hands came to cup his face as she brushed tears off of his cheeks.

"Mom, it hurts," he cried, pushing away his embarrassment at how pitiful he sounded.

"I know, I know."

She helped him to his feet and wrapped an arm around his waist. She started to lead him down the hall towards his room, supporting his body the entire way. She pushed open his door and helped him sit on his bed. She sat next to him and grabbed his hands, stopping the tremors that caused them to twitch on his lap.

"Tell me what happened, Alec." He took a breath, looking her straight in the eyes.

"I think Magnus and I are done. I didn't tell him about the Soul Sword and he found out, but it wasn't that. I mean, it was that because he wouldn't have gone to the Seelie Queen if it didn't happen but-"

"Breathe, Alec. There's no rush," she said, stopping his rush of words.

"I can't have both. That's what he said to me. But, mom, I can't blame him. You have to do what's right for your people and you can't let emotions get in the way. Emotions have no business in leading."

Maryse just looked sad, her eyebrows creasing. "Alec, I've said this to your sister, I'll say it to you. Sometimes, our duty seems to overshadow everything else, so much so that we forget we're human, too. Emotions are part of it. And yes, you have to listen to what's best for your people because it is part of running this Institute. It's part of being a leader. But Alec, my sweet boy, emotions are part of life. Don't feel guilty for feeling, for letting yourself feel."

Alec didn't know what to say. All he could do was wrap his arms around her again.

"Thank you, Mom." She pressed a kiss to his forehead and stood. "I have to check on Max again. Are you sure you're okay? Would you like me to get Isabelle?"

"It's okay, I think I need to be alone."

She nodded and rubbed his arm once more before leaving. He exhaled and buried his face in his hands. Lying back on his bed, his eyes fluttered shut and he let himself hope.

_Just breathe. This isn't the end. It can't be. We will find our way back to each other. We always do._

~~~~

_How long will I say yes over my conscience?_

_T_ _ruth is I'm wasted before I take it all in._

_How long will I blame it all on past life tragedy?_

_There's no remedy._

_No more wide eyes._

_I can't pretend._

_I_ _can't pretend._

_No morning cries._

_I can't pretend it's not the end._

**Author's Note:**

> Cry with me on [tumblr](http://shotfortheskyy.tumblr.com/) or request stuff


End file.
